X-Men: First Class

I finally got the chance to see X-Men last night and it was AMAZING! Though I'm still sort of grudging over the fact that the guy I wanted to see it with didn't seem like he wanted to go so I went with a group of my friends instead. He didn't even say sorry. Actually, he never even told me straight up if he wanted to go or not. He just kept putting it off and making excuses, which is what I'm really mad about. So I haven't talked to him ever since. And he probably doesn't even realize it.

I know... I'll never be happy if I get mad and grudge over such small things. But he hasn't even tried to talk to me ever since either. I just feel like it was completely one-sided love, and he had absolutely no feelings for me. But every time I think that, I just wonder, why did he say some of the things that he did if he never meant it? I just feel like I was trying way too hard and that I was just embarrassing myself. It's the first time I've ever tried to open up to a guy, the first time that I tried to ask a guy out and not the other way around. It's also the first time that instead of me turning the guy down, I was being turned down. Except not even directly. Actually I don't even know, because he confuses the shit out of me. Maybe he didn't even mean to make me feel the way I do. Maybe he didn't mean to make me think that he's not interested. But I don't know... It's like, a part of me just won't allow myself to be happy.

I'm just scared. I'm scared of ending up with a broken heart again. And I just have this feeling that if I were to keep trying and if we were to be together, it won't last forever. He will break my heart. It would be a lot easier to just let go now. Even though I still keep thinking about him practically 24/7... And I know I'll regret later on in my life for giving up, for letting go, for not doing anything. But if I were to try and make things happen, and I end up with a broken heart, I would regret that just as much. So either way, my life is going to be full of regrets.

Or maybe it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Maybe I should go for it, and just have an adventure.

I don't know...

Back to X-men, there was something that Raven/Mystique said that really got me thinking. It sort of inspired me, I guess. "How can society accept who you are, if you can't even accept yourself?"

I really liked the movie because I felt like I could really relate to it. Actually, I think a lot of people can relate. Everyone's always trying to be accepted by society. Okay well maybe not "everyone", but a lot of people. Including myself. I mean I'm not shunned away by society or anything, but I just always feel like I don't belong. And I'm always 'hiding'. Everyday before I can go anywhere, without feeling uncomfortable, I MUST take a shower, put on some nice clothes, wear makeup, do my hair, put on some perfume... I will never be seen in public without doing these first in the morning. It has gotten a little better over the past couple years. I don't wear eye makeup all the time, but face makeup is still a must. And everything else is still a must as well. Wow, I probably sound so fake right now... But I guess I just haven't come to accept who I am myself, that's why I need all these things, to make myself "better". And how can I expect anybody to love myself for who I am, if I can't even do it?