I was just thinking about this book that I read last summer.... Because I was asked, what do I want to do with my life? I don't even know anymore. I mean, I had all those dreams... But are they what I really want? I keep asking myself, and I keep changing my mind. I feel like I'm avoiding the future. But why does it matter? Why does the future really matter? Sometimes I just want to be a hobo and live a free life and be happy...
But maybe living a life like that wouldn't really make me happy. I don't know what I really want. Being able to have a comfortable home to live in, having food to eat, being able to afford a good education, and buy most of the things that I want, all makes me feel very lucky, and I'm grateful.... But I feel like I'm trapped in this world full of expectations. Its like, people are expected to follow this lifestyle. To have a home, a family, a job, a career, a good education...
"Did you know that for pretty much the entire history of the human species, the average life span was less than thirty years? You could count on ten years or so of real adulthood, right? There was no planning for retirement, There was no planning for a career. There was no planning. No time for plannning. No time for a future. But then the life spans started getting longer, and people started having more and more future. And now life has become the future. Every moment of your life is lived for the future--you go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a good job so you can get a nice house so you can afford to send your kids to college so they can get a good job so they can get a nice house so they can afford to send their kids to college."
And I'm stuck between the two. I can't decide what I really want.
A part of me wants to live that foraging lifestyle where I'd always be on the go. I wouldn't settle down with a permanent home. I wouldn't work or have a career and I wouldn't need to finish my post-secondary education. And I'd be free.
Another part of me wants to pursue a career, to become distinguished, renowned figure in society. But would I be happy with that? Even if it's a career that I choose, based on what I like to do, would I really be happy with it? I'd be tied down with it, for the rest of my life...
And then I thought of getting married and having a family and being a housewife for the rest of my life. But I don't feel like I can have people depend on me. I can't even depend on myself. And again, I'd be stuck with it for the rest of my life.
In the end, I just want a pleasant, comfortable life, but I don't want a career and I don't want a job. I don't want a family, I don't want any commitments or responsibilities, but I want to be loved and have people to love.
What can I do?
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